Know Your Stars Harry Potter Version
by Ohemmgeeit'sAlex
Summary: The voice form the All That skit comes and interviews Harry Potter characters. The result? The characters getting really, really, annoyed.
1. Harry Potter

_**Chapter 1: Harry Potter**_

Harry Potter woke up one day in the deserted Gryffindor common room strapped to a chair. He had no idea where everyone was or why he was stuck in a chair, until he heard a mysterious voice.

_ "Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars..."_

"What? Where am I?"

_ "Harry Potter….. is part-wizard, part-dragonfly…_

"Huh? No I'm not. I'm a half-blood."

"_Harry Potter…..is denying his dragonfly ancestry….."_

That's because it doesn't exist!

_ "Harry Potter... thinks Dumbledore is going to kill him….."_

"What? Is there a reason I should think so?

_ "Harry Potter….thinks Voldemort is made out of macaroni._

_ "_What the heck? What is this? I'm strapped to a chair listening to you list random facts that aren't true? Can I leave?"

_ "Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't know you were so sensitive about He- Who- Is- Made- Of- Macaroni."_

"His name is Voldemort! Voldemort!"

_ Harry Potter...the reason he survived as a baby is because he ate Voldemort._

"No, that's not true! That doesn't make any sense! I survived because of my mum-

_ "Harry Potter….is denying his cannibalism…."_

"ARGHH. You're obnoxious!"

_ "Harry Potter….the pirate who has a big vocabulary…."_

"I'm not a bloody pirate! Can I leave now?"

_ "Harry Potter….wants to leave so he can go on to his secret love affair with Professor Lupin."_

"EWWW! That's disgusting! He was my parents' best friend! EWW!"

_"Now you know Harry James Potter….the part-wizard, part-dragonfly pirate cannibal who is overly paranoid is and is having a love affair with Remus John Lupin!"_

"ARGHH! May I go now?"

The ropes finally released Harry . He walked very quickly to the door. Before he could get there though, he heard the voice again:

_ "You know, you guys both have the same initial for your middle name! It's a sign!"_

"Shut up!"

_ "Okay, Okay, just say hi to Remus from me!"_

Harry turned around and threw a vase at the wall. He then ran away to the door and slammed it.

_"Now you know, Harry James Potter, the wizard, dragonfly, pirate, cannibal hybrid who is paranoid about his love affair with Lupin who also has anger management-issues!"_

Harry's screams could be heard all over Hogwarts.

_**Author's Note:**_

_**The evil voice from All That is back! And it's coming for Potter and his friends! =D**_

_**Disclaimer: All That and Harry Potter isn't mine. **_

_**Stay Tuned for the evil voice to interview other characters!**_


	2. Voldemort

Chapter 2:

Voldemort

Voldemort was having a great day. He just regained a body, had Potter at his mercy, and his Death Eaters were overjoyed he was back. He also already killed someone his first day back, which was a plus. He was in the graveyard where his filthy Muggle father was buried. The-Boy-Who-Wouldn't-Die was powerless against him. Still, Voldemort decided to humor the boy.

"You have been taught how to duel, Potter?" he asked him. "Bow to your death, Harry."

Harry refused, leading to Voldemort forcing him to.

"Now, boy, we shall duel." Voldemort knew Potter could never win. He was superior to Potter in every way. With a flick of his wand, he cast the Cruciatus Curse on the teenager. He expected to hear screams of agony and pain, but a very different sound filled the graveyard….

_"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…."_

The whole graveyard was silent, except for the creepy disembodied voice. What was happening? Potter should be tortured right now. Instead, the boy looked as though he was trying hard not to laugh or cry. The Death Eaters were extremely confused.

"V_oldemort…his real name is Taco Mickey….."_

More silence. Voldemort was stunned for a moment, and then spoke up: "What?"

_ "Voldemort….his friends call him Mr. Voldy."_

"I don't have any friends!"

"_Voldemort….his only companion is Minerva McGonagall…"_

"That's not true! Not at all! Who is this speaking?"

"_Voldemort….his pet Nagini is really Minnie in Animagus form."_

"No, she's not! Besides, McGonagall's form is a cat!"

_"That's what you think…."_

Voldemort was furious. Who dared to make a fool out of him? If he could see them, he'd Crucio their ars-

_ "Mickey and Minnie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I"_

"CRUCIO! CRUCIO!" Voldemort was shooting random places in the air. His Death Eaters were slowly backing away. Harry couldn't resist laughing.

"You dare laugh at me, Potter? You think this is funny?"

_ "Moldyshorts… is not amused….._

"What in Merlin's name is Moldyshorts?"

_ "That's the nickname Minnie calls you."_

"She doesn't call me anything! Potter, stop laughing, I will kill you after I kill this idiot! Why can't you say all this random garbage at him instead of me?"

"He already did me last year." Harry explained.

"THAT"S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Harry, Voldemort, and the Voice looked around. Lucius Malfoy was standing their, grinning sheepishly. "Sorry, couldn't resist…"

"_Luscious Malfoy…is a pervert….'_

"What, no I'm not! And it's Lucius, not Luscious."

_ I don't care about you right now, Luscious. I care about Taco Mickey."_

"Don't call me that!" Voldemort shrieked. He shouted, "Avada Kedavra!" He missed the air and hit Harry instead. Luckily for Harry, he shouted "Expelliarmus!" at the same time. Their wands connected and suddenly, Cedric Diggory, a muggle man, and Harry's parents appeared.

"What's going on?" Voldemort yelled.

_ "Oh, Mickey, You so fine, you so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey!" _The Voice screeched.

"Stop singing! I'm trying to kill someone here!"

"Harry, take my body back to Hogwarts." Ghost Cedric pleaded before disappearing.

The Voice stopped singing at that moment.

"_U-No-Poo….killed Edward Cullen…."_

"Who in Merlin's name is Edwar-

_ "U-No-Poo…..is envious of Eddie's sparkleness….."_

"I'm not jealous of anything sparkly! I hate sparkles! Also, stop calling me U- No- Poo!"

_ "U-No-Poo….is going to get eaten by Harry Potter….."_

"What the heck are you talking about, psycho?"

_ "You're made of macaroni, remember?"_

Voldemort was stunned. This wasn't exactly how he imagined his great comeback. Harry took this to his advantage by slowly sneaking away with Cedric's/Edward Cullen's body to the Portkey. Unfortunately, Voldy noticed him and ran toward him, forgetting about magic for a second. He grabbed Harry by the arm and tried to drag Harry away. Harry retaliated by biting as hard as he could on Voldemort arm.

"OWWWW! WHAT THE #^&^%&#(&*%*$&*!"

"_I told you he was going to eat you_." The voice said cheerfully as Harry disappeared with Cedric's/Edward's body.

"#%%&^^%#$%^^$%$%!"

_ "Language, Taco Mickey, do you kiss your father with that mouth?"_

"My father's dead! Dead! Because I killed him, hahaha! HAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort started laughing and crying at the same time. The Death Eaters were super freaked out and Disapparated far, far, away.

_"Now you know, the man of mystery, master of all names, Taco Mickey/Mr. Voldy/MoldyShorts/U-No-Poo, who's lover is Minnie McGonagall disguised as Nagini, who's made of macaroni and is the killer of Edward Cullen, you also never kisses his father. _

_**A/N: THE END!**_

_**This is kinda really sad that I'm posting two of these in one day ,isn't it? Oh well.**_

_**Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J., Mickey belongs to Toni Basil.**_

_**Thank you reviewers! =D**_


	3. Barty Crouch Jr

Chapter 3:

Barty Crouch Jr.

"Potter, I want you to tell me exactly what happened." Alastor Moody asked a sobbing Harry Potter in his office.

"Professor, the cup was a Portkey, it took me to Voldemort. He killed Cedric. Wormtail took my blood and Voldemort came back to life!"

"Calm down, Potter. Now, how did you ever escape?"

"Well, he told me to duel. He tried to cast the Cruciatus Curse on me, but then a voice came and said random stuff. Voldemort got really angry at it and was hexing random places on the air. He almost hit me with the Killing Curse, but I tried to disarm him, and then dead people showed up including my parents and Cedric, and then I ran to the Portkey, but Voldemort saw me and grabbed me, so I bit him and escaped."

"….."

"….."

"You….bit….the Dark Lord."

"Yes."

"….Ahem. Were there Death Eaters at the graveyard? What did they do?"

"At first, they were happy in seeing him, but Voldemort was angry at them for abandoning him. He forgave them though, and…...Professor! I just remembered! There's a Death Eater at Hogwarts! It must be Karakoff!"

"No, Potter, Karakoff fled. The Dark Lord meant someone else when he said that in the graveyard.'

"I….Proffessor…..I never said anything about a graveyard." Harry asked, suddenly realizing who the Death Eater was.

"Yes Potter. I am the Death Eater. He will thank me for killing you, and I'll be in his inner circle."

"No!" Harry screamed while the Death Eater yelled, "Crucio!"

"Um, actually, I'm not sure if that's going to wo- Harry attempted to explain but he was cut off by a familiar voice.

_"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…."_

"Who's there?" Mad-Eye moody snarled.

_ "Mad-Eye Moody…..is really Barty Crouch Jr. in disguise….."_

"How did you know? Who is this?" Mad-Eye yelled.

"What? The voice said something true? This is mad, next you'll be telling me that Snape's in love with my mum, and is going to kill Dumbledore who is gay, and that part of Voldemort's soul is attached to mine! Madness!" Harry shrieked.

_"Actually…..never mind. Barty Crouch Jr., is a ballerina spy."_

"That's true too!"

"Really?" Both Harry and the voice cried, shocked.

"Of course not, idiots." Barty screamed.

_ "Barty Crouch Jr…is the Minister of Pandas….."_

"What are you talking about?"

_"Barty Crouch…is on a diet of pasta and guinea pigs."_

"Seriously Crouch? That's just gross."

"Potter, shut up. I'm trying to find out where this imbecile is so I can kill him!"

"Good luck with that." Harry sat back down and just watched the scene in frint of him.

_"Barty Crouch…..hates his dad because he wanted ballet lessons, and his father was too cheap to buy them for him."_

"Not true! I hated my father for other reasons, so I killed him!" Barty Crouch screamed madly. He was so livid he didn't notice his face was starting to change into his real identity. Harry used this opportunity to quickly walk out the door and get Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape.

When the four of them arrived to the office, Barty Crouch was back to his normal self. He was casting curses all over the room, muttering nonsense such as "I do not follow the Dark Lord because he's part of my diet!" and "I do NOT speak Pandatongue!"

_ "But then, how will you communicate with the rest of the panda community? Some minister you'd make."_

"Stupefy!" Dumbledore's spell hit Crouch who then fell to the floor.

_"Now you know…Barty Crouch Jr; ballerina spy on a diet of pasta and guinea pigs with a cheap dad, the World's Worst Panda Prime Minister that ever lived."_

There was an awkward silence. Dumbledore broke it by saying,

"That was interesting. Care for a lemon drop?"


	4. Hermione Granger

**Chapter 4:**

**Hermione Granger**

It was the summer before fifth year when Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were staying at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. It was a rather boring house. The days the two spent there were mainly cleaning, talking with the Order of the Phoenix, (who wouldn't tell them anything,) Hermione trying to hug Kreacher, (which didn't work out so well), and waiting for Harry Potter to arrive. They thought Harry might be a bit mad at them, since Hedwig had nearly bitten their hands off.

"Ouch. Honestly, it's not our fault we can't tell him anything, Dumbledore made us not to tell him."

"Yeah, Hermione, but he was attacked by dementors for Merlin's sake. You can't expect him to not want to know what's going on."

"Well, you do have a point."

"Hey, Hermione, do you wanna take a walk? Around the block, I mean?"

Hermione looked surprised. "Sure, Ron."

The two of them started walking outside. Ron was trying to think of small talk.

"So…er….what's new with you?"

Before she could answer, the two of them were suddenly stunned.

"Ronald, I cannot believe we didn't bring our wands." Hermione whispered angrily.

"Um, sorry? Maybe we can pick our way out of here." The two of them were tied onto chairs in the middle of the woods a couple miles away from Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. Hermione was about to retort when a voice interrupted her.

_ "Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…."_

"Bloody hell! That voice just came out of nowhere!"

"Oh, Harry told me about this. It's a disembodied voice that tells random, untrue, and slightly odd facts about a person."

_ "Someone's a know it all!"_

"What? No I'm not!" Hermione exclaimed.

"That's not random, untrue, or slightly odd at all."

"Gee, thank you ever so much, Ronald."

_ "Who wants to go first?"_

Ron looked at Hermione. "Witches first."

"Then you should go right ahead, Ronald."

"That's just cold."

"_Ahem….Hermione Jean Granger…..is wanted in 31 countries and eight continents….."_

"Excuse me, voice, there are only seven continents, not eight." Hermione said in a matter-of-fact voice.

_"Hermione Granger….failed all her O.W.L.S. "_

"That's completely a lie. I'm going into my fifth year this September."

_ "Yes, that's because you're repeating fifth year for what, the sixth time?"_

Ron chuckled. Hermione shot him a death glare.

_ "Hermione Granger….is in a dramatic love triangle with Viktor Krum and Draco Malfoy."_

Ron stopped laughing immediately. Hermione answered calmly, "No, I'm not."

_ "Hermione Granger…doesn't go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She goes to….PIGFARTS!"_

"I've never heard of a wizarding school called Pigfarts on Earth!"

_ "That's because Pigfarts….is on MARS."_

"Rubbish. You would need a rocketship to even get there, because no known broomstick can fly above the troposphere, and even if you got there, you couldn't breathe even with magic, because- Hermione was interrupted again by the voice.

" _Hermione Granger…is being used by Malfoy so he can find out how to get to Pigfarts."_

"There is no Pigfarts! That theory is highly illogical." Hermione started talking louder, getting more annoyed.

_"Hermione Granger…..hates house elves..."_

"So not true! I founded S.P.E.W., and organization that-"

"If I hear about S.P.E.W. one more time, I'm going to spew." Ron remarked. Hermione glared at him.

_"Hermione Granger…believes in Sana Clause." _

"No, I don't. Even if he was real, I'd hate him because of all the slave labor he makes poor house elves do!"

"_Now you know, Hermione Granger,the most wanted elf-hating, know-it-all who fails at everything, who goes to Pigfarts on Mars and has a dramatic love triangle between Draco Malfoy and Viktor Krum. "_

"This was all…..lies…unbelievable…idiot…believe…rubbish." Hermione sputtered. Ron looked amused.

_"Now….Ron Weasley….."  
_Ron's expression fell as Hermione smirked.

_**A/N: Hi! Thank you all reviewers!I hope you like this!**_

_**Ron will be next chapter, and after that I'm doing Fudge during the trial. Thanks JanusGodofPossibilities for that idea.**_

_**Sorry I hadn't posted in a while but I'm always busy.**_

_**If you haven't watched a Very Potter Musical, shame on you.**_

_**Disclaimer: HP and AVPM doesn't belong to me. **_


	5. Ron Weasley

_**Know your stars:**_

_**Ron Weasley**_

_ " Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…Ron Weasley...collects spiders."_

"No I don't! Who actually collects spiders?"

"Ron Weasley….is a dancing queen."

At this Hermione started laughing while Ron blushed a deep shade of red that made this head look on fire.

_"Ron Weasley….wanted to take Millicent Bulstrode to the Yule Ball, but he got rejected."_

"Eww, Merlin, no way." Ron looked grossed out.

_"Ron Weasley…in his free time sings the theme song from Barney."_

"What is a Barney? What are you talking about?"

_ "Ron Weasley…isn't really Ron Weasley….."_

"Huh?"

_ "Ron Weasley…is actually a turkey- and-cheese sub sandwich planning to help the Death Eaters one Subway at a time."_

At this point Hermione was laughing uncontrollably, tears streaming down her face.

"That's not true. How thick do you have to be to believe that? And what's a Subway?" Ron exclaimed.

_"Ron Weasley…is a hippie who barks at the sun."_

"What? I thought I was a sandwich? I was a sandwich!"

_ "Well, it's about time you admit it."_

"No, I didn't admit anything! I also don't fancy Millicent Bulstrode or I'm not a hippie who barks at the sun. I don't even know what a hippie is." Hermione looked about to say something, but looked highly disappointed when the Voice interrupted:

_"Of course you're not. You're right of course."_

"I am?"

_"Yes. I made a typo."_

"A what?"

"A typo is a term used to words that are incorrectly spelled or written."

"Thanks Hermione. Okay, what's the tyop?"

_"Ron Weasley...breaks the sun."_

"I-okay, that's it, you're mad!"

_"No, I'm quite giddy, thank you."_

"You're annoying, that's what you are. Let us go, now!"

The ropes broke off them, rolling onto the forest ground. As Ron and Hermione got up, Ron asked, "That's it? You're letting us go, just like that?"

_"Well, you didn't ask before."_

Ron made a rude hand gesture at nothing in particular, seeing as though he couldn't see the voice.

As the two of them walked away, the Voice yelled;

_ "Now you know….Ronald Billius Weasley…the rudest boogieing traitor spider collector hippie sun breaking sandwich Barney fan who was rejected by a Slytherin."_

As a result of this terrifying experience, Ronald Weasley never forgot his wand again, or at least while Hermione was around.

_**A/N:**_

_**First, to all my readers & reviewers, I LOVE YOU!**_

_**I most likely will do as many characters as I can, unless something happens in real life that would cause me to stop writing this story. That most likely won't happen though.**_

_**If you're a silent reader, PLEASE REVIEW! It let's me know how to improve and gives me ideas and inspiration.**_

_**Disclaimer: JKR owns characters, All That owns KYS segment and the Voice.**_


	6. Cornelius Fudge

Chapter 6:

Cornelius Fudge

"Harry James Potter, you are here today for illegally conjuring a Patronus on the night of August 2nd, in the presence of a Muggle, while underage. This is a violation of-."

"I only did it because of the dem-!"

"Silence. You were aware that you were not aloud to use magic outside of

school?"

"Yes, but it was because of the dementors!"

"Dementors? Dementors, did he say?" The Wizengamot whispered to themselves.

"Nonsense. Complete lies." Fudge muttered.

"Cornelius. I suggest you listen to Harry and his story. That is, after all, why he is here." Albus Dumbledore spoke up.

"Now see here Dumbledore. If Potter is telling the truth, I'll eat my hat."

_ "Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…."  
_

The court was quiet. What was going on? Only Harry Potter knew, and he had to force himself to keep from smiling.

_Cornelius Fudge…is a hat eater…._

"I-I meant that-I don't eat hats! What is the nonsense Dumbledore, I don't have for this!"

"I assure you Cornelius, I have no idea who accused you of eating hats." Dumbledore looked quite comfortable as the Voice continued.

_ "Cornelius Fudge…Isn't the Minister of Magic. He is a Muggle potato farmer from New Jersey."_

"I am too a wizard! Er, anyone know what a farmer or a 'New Jersey' is?" Fudge asked his fellow Wizenmagot members. No one answered him, as they wanted to hear more from the Voice. "Oh, this is bonkers. How can I do magic if I'm a Muggle? Am I supposed to, steal it or something?" He snorted.

A toad-face woman in the Wizenmagot scribbled something on a clipboard. "Muggles…stealing magic. Note to self. Must act on theory someday."

_"Cornelius Fudge…his parents were big eaters."_

"Excuse me! Are you insinuating my parents are fat?"

_ "Well, look at it this way. __**CORN**__elius __**FUDGE**__? Seriously, who names their kid that?"_

"That does it Voice! How dare you come in and state lies about me, wherever you are! I'm in the middle of a trial here I case you hadn't noticed!" Fudge shouted, looking slightly deranged.

During the middle of this, Harry Potter was biting his lips very hard to prevent from laughing. He had even drawn a few drops of blood from the pressure of it. Even Albus Dumbledore looked as though he was enjoying himself. The Wizenmagot were deathly silent. They didn't want to get on Fudge's bad side.

"_Oh, believe me, I noticed. And since I need to stand up for my little wizarding pirate dragonfly cannibal paranoid angry cheating Potter, I have a witness for the defense."_

"First, what in Merlin's name did you call Potter? Second, I don't need a witness for the defense, especially from you." Fudge yelled even louder, grabbing his hair.

A man walked inside the courtroom in Muggle clothes. Everyone was staring at him. He spoke up;

"Hey, Fudge, look, I really respect how serious you are about your job, and I'm a let you finish, and Harry, I really respect how you saved your cousin from dementors and all, and I'm a let you finish too, but Harry blowing up his Aunt Marge was the BEST UNDERAGE MAGIC OF ALL TIME! That's all."

There was a very awkward pause.

"Uh, thank you, Mr….?" Harry started to say, but was interrupted by a member of the jury.

"OH MAH GAWD! IT"S KANYE WEST! OH MAH GAWD!I NEED YOUR AUTOGRAPH!"

That pause was made even more awkward as everyone stared at a middle aged balding man in the Wizenmagot.

"Oh, ahem. I mean, I need your autograph, for my daughter. She's a fan, not me. That's preposterous. Indeed."

There was a giant vein throbbing in Fudge's head. He hit his face with the palm of his hand, before speaking. "Mr. West, go away. I don't have five centuries here. Voice, I will not deal with this, I'm the Minster of Magic, I'm-."

_"Cornelius Fudge…is a gold digger."_

"W-What?"

Harry couldn't stop himself anymore. He fell out of his chair, clutching his stomach, laughing so hard his face turned a shade of bright red.

"Mr. Potter, control yourself!" Fudge screamed as the Voice began rapping with Kayne West. Dumbledore didn't know the words, but he began humming the beat.

"Hey, no fair! This is 1995! This song didn't even come out yet!" The Wizenmagot member yelled over the rapping.

"SILENCE!" Everyone stopped.

"Hey, Voice, you're cool and all, but your rapping is terrible. See ya!" And with that, Kayne West disappeared in thin air.

"How-How did that Muggle disiparate? And, how did-Oh never mind, this is all a dream, and I will eventually wake up, because of all of this is impossible." Fudge was twitchy and had an odd look on his face. It made him look mad.

"Hmm. That was interesting. Cornelius, would you care for a lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked politely.

"NOW IS NOT THE BLOODY TIME FOR LEMON DROPS DUMBLEDORE!"

"Of course, you're right. I believe the purpose of this whole trial, was, to decide on the guilt of Harry Potter. No doubt, this was not as how we'd thought it would go, (at this Fudge let out a shriek), but nonetheless, we shouldn't allow this to distract the meaning of this whole get-together. All in favor of Harry's innocence?"

Almost everyone except, Fudge, The toad-faced woman, and Percy Weasley raised their hands.

"Splendid. Then Harry shall not be expelled. Very glad we made so much progress, Cornelius."Dumbledore glided out of the chamber.

Fudge glared at the Wizenmagot. "Weasley, get me the strongest drink you can find, immediately. The rest of you, get out of my sight."

Everyone left the chamber, excluding Fudge and Harry. Harry now looked very uncomfortable, as Fudge was staring at him, eye twitching, wearing a very creepy smile.

_"I'm still here you know." The Voice called from nowhere._

"NOOOO! I"D RATHER HAVE THE MUGGLE THEN YOU!"

_ "Well, you won't. You know why? You hurt his feelings, that's why."_

Fudge buried his face into his hands.

_ "Now You know…Cornelius Fudge…the unfortunaly named Muggle hat eater potato farmer from New Jersey, who is a gold digging jerk."_

Fudge started crying, which was only half as loud as the Wizenmagot member sobbed, "WHY DIDN"T I GET HIS AUTOGRAPH?" from outside the chamber.

Harry then decided, quite wisely, that this was an excellent time to leave.

_**A/N:**_

_**Disclaimer: HP, KYS and Kanye West don't belong to moi.**_

_**Poor Voice. No one likes him for some reason. **_

_**I think I'll be doing Dumbledore in the 5**__**th**__** year welcoming feast speech. Yes, the Voice will announce facts in front of all of Hogwarts. (MWAHAHA!)**_

_**OH, BTW, you might need to know a bit about what happened with Kanye West to get a couple of the jokes. And that's why Google is your friend. ;)**_


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